I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
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Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
synchronized noseblowing
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?