Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Pigeon open mic night.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces