*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Passed by a old school Math example today.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em