Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

handsome & gretel

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?