I wish I could veto my bills.
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If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
ouch
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people