My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
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ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”