Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Human are so complicated

😎

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

Home is where your toilet is.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know