When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management