5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours