After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
The struggle is real
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.