*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
You learn something every day
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.