Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

@funTweeters I am at your service….

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song