Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!