[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
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Expectations vs. Reality
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.