I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
You Might Also Like
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Education is vital
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell