if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
that would 100% work on me
moms in horror movies
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
incredible
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately