Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“What?”
– Jude
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
trivia
