General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
You Might Also Like
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?