Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.