date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Buck naked
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Happy thanksgiving
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.