My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
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[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
awkward
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Ironic
Got him!
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.