Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

dream blunt rotation

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*