Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison