Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

Smile Twitter, Smile.

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”