Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
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monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re