Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics