Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

THIS HEADLINE

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.