Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
set yourself free xox
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
what’s in a name?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.