Bitcoin. Toothurt.
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I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
The photographer’s assistant
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Howl 😭
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*