“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
no!! no!!!!!!
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)