Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
the red hot silly peppers
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I hate when that happens.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*