Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

translated into Canadian

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks