Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.