Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window