Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.