“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
bags with threatening auras
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time