professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
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Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I gave up going to work for lent.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.