Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

thinking about a very short hotdog

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.