20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
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Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”