Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
