It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter