Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

my favorite gender

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down