Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.