Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.