Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

Guys which shade of gery should I get

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.