Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.