[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
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It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Bro what is this
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Meow
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no