The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless