Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

BETRAYAL

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Lube but for my dry humor.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

smh

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK