Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.